Just back from a trip to Italy, I'm keen to share a few observations from the in-flight mag.

My husband has the uncanny ability to fall asleep before the landing gear is raised safely under the belly of the aircraft, so I invariably turn to the in-flight mag before settling into a podcast or playlist. In the past they were full of interesting articles about places to visit, but these days, interesting content is sadly lacking, so on this occasion I resorted to reading the actual copy/fiction used to sell products. A world of must have items and skin care products with descriptions that beggar belief.

Let's start with fragrances. How do you describe a fragrance you might ask: woody? floral? amateurs!

"life enhancing" association is the answer.

Let's start with perfume. I should "prepare to dazzle" with "a desire to enchant the world" or maybe my husband? I'd quite like him to notice if I'm wearing perfume, before I tackle a global audience.

"an exquisite moment of grace, where the electrifying energy of black coffee meets the assertive femininity of..."(give me a break!).

"evokes holiday memories and captures the whimsical feeling of dappled sunshine." Have you ever had a whimsical feeling? I've never felt whimsical in my life!

I couldn't decide if it was the products provided the copy or the flight company's own writers. Either way, it's all very ambitious in terms of perfume goals.

Aftershave offers a slightly different vibe..

"..reveal the facets of masculinity, for the phantom within and amber sex appeal"

Which facets of masculinity do you think they are referring to? and why aren't they looking for whimsical feelings?

"..bad boy embraces contrasting characteristics and assured ease and a distinct sophistication.." (Yes, we are still talking aftershave.)

"Love life's danger yet display your brilliance" with "biting freshness and animal sensuality."

Is it me or is this all a little sexist as well as ridiculous?

I continue page turning and stop at the range of skin care products, also promising things they can't deliver. I should confess at this point, my skincare routing involves hot water, a flannel and whichever shampoo I'm using so you may understand why these copy writers are lost on me.

Let's start with moisturiser. I'm Ok with the principle here, dry skin needs moisturising, no problem, but hydrating is the same as moisturising right?

There is a "de-puffing serum-rich in caffeine", so it's firming (apparently)

Maybe I should give it a go: Rub a bit of Maxwell House into my face: it could be good for my skin and give me a light tan! Worth a try.

Clarins go for the a more scientific approach with "hydra-essential hydrating cream, cleansing with micellar water" Yep, it's mainly water with stuff to clean and stuff to make it absorb into the skin. How have I managed all these years?

Another product offers a "superfood day cream with extracts of broccoli and goji berry." I quite like this more versatile approach, at least I could eat it, if it doesn't work.

I also love it when they mention statistics. They are obliged to publish the details these days so they are always an interesting read.

"98% said Elemis cleansing balm removes makeup, daily grime and visible pollutants"(meaning? Ketchup? A bit of this mornings egg?)

So, basically, 96% thought it was bloody marvellous, but then it was only 120 women over a 2 week period so not a lot really.

Or how about the cream for "flash-filling wrinkles with hyaluronic and acid filler (pumpy stuff) to "protect the skin from free radicals."(any relation to the New radicals? (wake up kids you've got the dreamer's disease.)

And I have to mention Kaplan diamond contour. Can you guess?

Contains "crushed diamonds and fruit enzymes" to exfoliate but also somehow "smooths, plumps to increase radiance"...( ie swollen and red from rubbing sand on your face)

By now I'm completely convinced it's one writer creating a fantasy world of fantastic metaphors. I'm not ready for it. Where's my flannel?