I was thinking about anger recently. Not the flash anger when toilet paper doesn't rip across the perforations, or telling pens to 'fuck off' when they fall off the desk anger, but the anger that sits for weeks, refusing to subside. All consuming anger. Something happened at work recently that pissed me off. And for the first time, I challenged it. Properly challenged it.

I've never been very good at anger. Other people can just be cross, express it, shout a bit then it's gone- just as quick as it came. I ruminate. I worry about making it worse by saying the wrong thing. I re-play the conversation where I win and don't feel dismissed. And to justify my anger, I have a dreadful habit of collecting evidence from historic encounters. It's not helpful of course, and it's exactly why family relationships are so difficult. Every confrontation is preloaded with a catalogue of encounters that ended badly.

I remember studying; 'Tam O 'Shanter' by Robert Burns at school:

'where sits the sulky sullen dame gathering her brows like gathering storm, nursing her wrath to keep it warm.'

This was me.

I was bullied in high school; an all girls grammar school. Not attacked physically, but ignored, whispered about, laughed at. I was the perfect target. I said nothing, I did nothing, I had no tools. It was the reason I left at 16 and chose an all male engineering profession.

I hadn't realised the lasting effect of the high school bullies until years later, in my 30's, when I saw one of the girls across a café. Some colleagues and I were doing a parachute jump for charity and we were at a training facility in Grange-over-Sands. There was a large tent offering refreshments and snacks. I recognised her immediately and was overcome with a rush of rage, so strong I was shaking. I walked away of course. I was taken aback by my reaction and didn't feel able to confront her.

After school, I got an apprenticeship in a drawing office. There was a lot to be angry abut there. Comments on my appearance, offers of sex, bending over desks. It was normalised in the 1970s. I remember complaining to Dad who was a mechanical engineer and he told me to grow some balls. So I wasn't allowed to be angry then, I had to take it, get on with it or leave.

Years later I tried to side step into technical writing. I got a job in an advertising agency hopeful of a new career path after completing an online course. But it appeared they'd hired me for my drawing abilities only. After years in construction I could rattle off most standard details of industrial buildings and they had a contract for a cladding product that required drawings for the brochure.

I drew them easily and quickly free hand, so that the illustrator could upload them. They never provided any training opportunities and 6 months later when they gave me a chance to write copy, it was disregarded as rubbish and they no longer had a role for me in the company. I was angry. I knew there was an injustice here but the promise of a good reference blocked any challenge. I boldly told the senior director in my exit interview what I thought in a calm matter of fact manner. He was flushed with anger and asked me to leave. Looking back, the focus of conversation was my one piece of copy, where really it should have been the lack of training.

Years later, I am in my 50s and I am 5 years into a teaching career in an FE college in Manchester. I'm teaching ESOL (2nd language English) to 16-19 year-olds. The culture is 'us and them' between managers and staff and we have a tyrannical head of department, who sends emails at 3 in the morning and demands answers at 9. We are a team of 5 staff members with 1 trainee, and an assistant manager is brought in to support the trainee during exams. The trainee confesses to me that said manger has forged papers, corrected wrong answers and asked the trainee to turn a blind eye and sign them off. He is visibly upset, worried and full of anxiety over this. I am livid. It's the final straw for me and I hand in my notice siting inappropriate conduct by a manger. The shit hits the fan.

I'm 'invited' to discuss my complaint. I tell them and they refute my story as misinterpretation. I ask if all the other things I'm complaining about are also misinterpreted and they agree to let me go with a good reference as long as I accept the possibility, of a misunderstanding. I leave and work for agencies.

My next encounter is working with a private training company. They offer trainee-ships for young people who have left school with little or no qualifications and try to place them on training schemes. I have moved around a few departments and I am teaching functional skills. The students are low achievers, some with social difficulties, some second language. They are generally very vocal but not very motivated. I am accused of showing preferential treatment by a woman and her sister who don't feel supported. They make a formal complaint and to my astonishment I am escorted off the premises, pending investigation.

This was total garbage, yet I found myself at home for 3 weeks waiting to be invited to defend my position. I had never had a complaint made against me before. This was a demonstration of behaviour management in the class room where I had refused to give the student or her sister, the constant attention they demanded. I wrote their instructions down. What was there to defend?

In the boardroom with the managing director, it became apparent he had taken this opportunity to get rid of me. He didn't really see where I could fit into the structure and they didn't really need another trainer, but if I went without complaint, I would get an excellent reference.

And so onto my most recent encounter. I am 62 with 15 years teaching experience and 8 years into to my current employer. There is an opportunity for me to step up into a team lead role after a bereavement. I step up and enjoy the new role. I like spinning plates, I have strong IT skills to manage all the admin and I have a good relationship with my team. They accept and respect my new position.

There is an opportunity for full time position in this role but in a different department. My manager encourages me to go for it so I apply. My interview is cut short because I had already been interviewed just 6 weeks earlier so they choose only the relevant questions for this new department.

A week later I am told the role was offed to somebody with more experience and I accept that. Fair enough, I've only had 6 weeks experience as a manager. I then discover the role has been offered to another colleague from the same department and I am enraged. This information is to be revealed at the staff meeting later that week. He applied after the start date. He has no more experience than me and more importantly he can't use a spreadsheet let alone navigate the admin systems. He has never shared resources, covered for staff or shown any inclination to be pro-active in any way.

This is my moment. All those injustices from the past flood in and I explode. I call the interviewer/manger and I tell her why I am furious. I raise my voice with frustration and I expose his lack of IT skills, unfair interview process, and how I see this as a 'slap in the face'. She says she is sorry I see it that way, but he gave better answers.

It's not mentioned again. He takes the role and I go back to teaching, bubbling.

'where sits the sulky sullen dame gathering her brows like gathering storm, nursing her wrath to keep it warm.'

In each of these encounters, I have been drawn down a narrative and away from the central issue. And in defence mode, I have been unable to recognise this and focus on the things we should be talking about.

Obviously I have been angry at other times in my life, but these occasions were key moments when I walked away from an encounter feeling shamed and vulnerable. Latterly, I have tried to lay my anger aside and have a calm conversation, but the person on the opposite side is rarely on the same page.

I've watched videos, giving tips on conflict management for managers, but I'm wondering if the manager in question has also had to watch the video, for a more fruitful outcome. Hopefully next time I can find a way to express myself so that I feel heard and understood.

Because that's the best we can wish for in conflict.

Footnote

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXjnpu6lK0HoUyOMh2ZBwhQ

Jefferson Fisher- genius! Where were you, when I needed you?