I've written poems for years, just for my own amusement, but then in lock down I decided to challenge myself to create and publish a pub: Everything changes in your 50s. A collection of poems and musings about middle-age. At the time I was reading lots about aging from various popular writers on social media so I invited them to submit quotes or pieces of advice. I also found the very talented Victoria Mironenko and I paid her to illustrate some for the pages. The character she created completely captured the mood of middle age and really lifted the finished book. With another stroke of luck I picked up the services of a very experienced editor on People per hour, a semi retired expat living in Cyprus willing to help me publish on Amazon. He also thought it was good as did those kind enough to read it and leave reviews.
You can download it from Amazon here:
Linda Done
Poems about mid-life
Knickers - How to choose
Flaps - yes those
Sex in the Greenhouse - just once
Retirement - a few classes?
The Make-over- or made over?
Going Farting - when there's no choice
The Gardener - a private trimming
The Adult Shop- spicing things up
Shirley - mid life dater
In my 40's I started writing about getting older. My friends said I should put them in cards, but the cost of printing made them comparatively expensive. A fun project though.
Knickers from Mark's
Flaps
Sex in the Greenhouse
And...as life moved on and my friends entered peri-menopause, there were other sources of inspiration to write about....
Retirement
The Make-over
Going Farting
The Gardener
The Adult Shop
I told the assistant about the bedroom antics.
How we were more about snoring and less about romantic.
And she offered to make up a pack.
The top sellers to bring the life back.
The first was the master vibrator.
Well I wasn’t sure where it would fit.
So I told her we’d leave that one
Till wed got things going a bit.
Then she showed me 3 little tubes,
Scented, sensuality creams and lubes.
Well I just thought it would be a bit messy,
make things a bit more slippery than sexy,
I told her it might stain me sheets,
Leave that one for next week,
She brought out a book with short stories,
Said each one was erotic and spicy,
But at nearly £8 each
I thought they were a bit pricy.
Then she got me a peep hole bra.
But there was nothing bigger than extra large.
So I had an idea..
I left the shop.
I’ve cut some holes in the bra I've got
And really at our age that’s enough for jack.
I don’t want to give him a heart attack!
Shirley
Poems about friendship
Brenda- a chat with friends
Getting fit
Yoga
The Book club
Friends
Brenda
'I miss my tits' said Brenda
'They were fabulous when I was younger
They came when I was still in primary
and I was very popular behind the library'
'I don’t miss mine' said Alice
'They let me down from day 1
Took years to make an appearance then shrank the day Ken was born.'
I miss high school me
Well at least the last 2 years
Life was fill of possibilities
Called Wayne and Paul n Piers
Brenda said she didn’t miss it and I agreed it was rough
Someone set fire to her knickers in chemistry
And the teachers didn’t give a stuff
'Do you think life’s better now?
With phones and the web and the net
Than the days when you met for real
Not wattsap message or text.'
'The lads touched me tits for a fiver'
Said Brenda
'You can’t get more real than that'
'For goodness’ sake!' said Alice
'Well, it paid for me cider and fags.'
Alice said the net had benefits
Google n photos n tinder
Well, we nearly spat our tea
'I beg ya pardon!' said Brenda
Seems our Alice is very popular
With 5000 friends following
Said she’d got more boyfriends than she ever had a school
Meets Bernard twice a week mid-morning
'What are you thinking?' said Brenda in shock
You could be abducted or stabbed
'Life' said Alice,' like Bernard, should not be wasted but grabbed.
Getting Fit
Me 'n me mates were sat in the pub, laughing at getting older.
We decided we should try n get fit, You know – help each other
Now for me it’s not about losing weight, I’ve always been naturally thin
Nothing changes on the outside, no matter how much crap I put in.
But Sandra’s always struggled a bit to keep a size 16
Sand likes a pint except it’s never just a pint. Its pint pie n chips n mushy pees
Jo says her trim figure is helped with medication
She’s got chicken filets lip fillers and she had a tuck from a plastic surgeon
We decided to go to the gym – me Sandra and jo
We got a voucher from a rep in the Trafford Centre
Though we should give it a go
We had a guide from Wythenshawe; called himself Clint
He was about 16 with a 600£ smile and the size of a wafer thin mint
He took us on a tour to the pool, they had a costume spinner
Then Sandra spotted a vending machine and immediately spent a tenner
He took us to a board like a time table with all the classes laid out.
Asked us to have a look, choose a session, one we’d like to try out
Clint suggested Body Pump, said it’s a mixture of weights and aerobics
I said I hope there’s not too much bouncing. Jo ‘l lose her chicken fillets
I fancied Pilates myself -thought that would be easiest
Sandra worried it was over doing it- the look he gave – took the piss
Jo asked the cost. £55 for 6months with an extra month free
I said What? I could get 50 bags of salad for that and an exercise DVD
He said it’s up to you patiently to get back what you put in
Its virtually free if you come every day and the results will be amazing
He left us to make a decision, and we stared for a minute or so
We chose the salad and a DVD- went straight to Tesco
Yoga
I can’t do yoga
The best exercise when you reach middle age is yoga.. they say
The stretching helps mobility strengthens muscles ..they say
And I don’t doubt the theory, but I’m struggling with the reality.
I’ve tried a few times over the years.
I’ve downward dogged till I thought I’d grow ears, that’s not an issue
You see, it’s not the physical, it’s the spiritual chat I can’t do.
But, my husband loves it and my daughter swears by it, so I find myself once again…having a go…..I’ve signed up for yoga flow.
The instructor: an angular unit of spider-like limbs makes shapes difficult to replicate – she coils and folds like paper
whereas I’m more …paperweight.
And whilst she glides effortlessly between poses I stumble and roll making grunting noises. I do understand the connection between deep breaths and exercise, but exhaling forcefully will invariably result in farting loudly…..
so I’ll give that a miss.
Her voice is soft, with a musical tone like the voice over on meditation and I know this is supposed to be relaxing, but it feels patronising…
and I’d rather she just spoke, normally, with less singing.
When she does give instruction there’s lots of detail..
Stand tall and centred…find the balance…a rod down my spine…toes fantailed
I should be conscious of my centre of gravity, aligning my chakras centrally, which means wheels of energy…apparently
Wheels? she loses me there.
I don’t believe I have chakras or wheels of anything, but I sneak a peek at her exposed midriff in case I see something rotating.
I forge on trying to emulate the ‘eagle’ pose and as I lean over my knee with arms entwined and fingers squoze my instructor explains
Bringing you to present moment focus …with a deep stretch…. Challenging mind and body awareness
At this point I have achieved some balance with only a slight wobble…
but I don’t know why my arms are twisted or how on earth this relates to an eagle…and honestly…….my focus is on the door
We move to floor
We are lying still…face down on the mat…corpse pose…eyes closed and I realise the need to find inner peace is somewhat challenged on a mat that stinks of sweaty feet.
Moving on, she’s planned hip rotation and passive inversions???, but offers a nap as a viable option. So while others attempt headstands, I remain floor bound…de-stressing- eradicating toxins????
Eventually we are all lying on our backs, breathing deeply, being present, in mind and body.
And I’m coping with that, when she adds the final touch: a sound bath.
Relaxing music, which is lovely…but a SOUND BATH!!!
I’m not relaxed.
After several minutes, we roll up to seating, thank each other for coming and smile sweetly leaving
I’m not namastaying….
The Book Club
I started the club in Covid – 7.00 at ours
There’s Gill and Marie and Jane and Pam
And Kay comes if she’s arsed
We don’t even open the book
We talk about things that matter
We enjoy the snacks and wine
And the bounce of the chitter-chatter
This week they came at 7
But when Gill walked in there were signs,
Gill needs her tablets Marie said
as she over filled on the wine.
Its not so much depression, says Gill, as Monday morning blues
except now it last till Friday, when I order a new pair of shoes
I said, steady on Imelda as I handed round the snacks
Get back on the tablets- Marie shouted – get your old mojo back
Jane says Relaxation is better
Its mind over matter not tablets
She’s Spent the last 5 weeks doing yoga
Some 1200 retreat in the hamlets
Yoga can fuck right off says Pam not one to mince her words
I’ve got too much water retention and its getting worse
We all know its not water but nobody needs to say
Everyone’s struggling with something- we’re all flawed at the end of the day
Marie studies aromatherapy
always got bottles in her bag
She says it’s improved my sex drive I said it’s the wine that does that
The conversation moves to HRT
a topic we can all join in
between us we've got a full range of symptoms
from sweats to dry vag and farting
We rally with hugs and wine
Support with friendship and time
They all love coming to book club at 7 O’clock at mine.
Friends
We’ve been through marriages, births, and deaths together.
Stayed strong when the going got tough for each other.
Held hands and hearts through the stormy weather...
of relationships.
Been on skiing trips, boat trips, sunny trips,
Spent weekends playing squash through talented fingertips.
It feels like a membership, or a fellowship
Bound together in friendship.
That will last forever.
Shirley
When I think about the date I start to panic
The ones that came before were simply moronic
and it seems..
that Tinder holds the partner of nightmares not dreams.
I’ve met a selection of suitors from various sites
All promising to be funny sexy and wise.
But the reality it seems was quite the opposite.
They’re all unsure, unfit and ….how can I say it,
Underdeveloped in their cranial capacity.
Boring Brian from Bolton was dismissed not for the adjectives given,
But for his complete lack of conversation.
and Sexy Steve from Stockport with 2 sizes too small cycling shorts- well, I couldn’t stop looking at his 'chocolates'
and that’s what he called them, asked if I’d like to try them
It was a no from me.
There was a Vernon who could write a sermon on his ex wife Veronica,
There was David from Derbyshire who interviewed me!
He had a written questionnaire about fishing- freshwater and sea
My score said id failed so it was a No from him.
A bit fishy if you ask me.
There was Gav, the boiler man and Don the builder both married it turns out but looking for a bit of 'howsyafather'
And then there was William who was sweet on paper,
But in reality didn’t speak he just smiled a mouth full of nikoteen-stained teeth.
So really today I shouldn’t be very hopeful; but Paul’s an eyeful,
He’s seriously good looking.
And he says he’s just hoping for someone to share free time with
To laugh and enjoy a nice meal with to go on occasional holidays with
Well I think that might be …with…me
